A Tale of the New Age

The year was 2020.  The time was known as The Winnowing.  A horrible plague ravaged the economies of the word.  Populations of the earth were cut to one third their pre-plague numbers and they clamored for relief.  Major governments announced a project that dwarfed the Apollo program of the 1960s that put humans on the moon.  The nations of earth announced they were going to the stars.

The Advent project sought to develop the technology for faster than light travel to make interstellar travel possible.  Scientists and engineers around the globe developed materials, technologies, and systems to move humanity the stars.  In less than 30 years the planet mobilized and The Advent project neared completion.  The missing tech, completion and testing of the FTL drive.

The theory was that if micro singularities could be linked at the quantum level, travel between two singularities would be nearly instantaneous.  An initial test between the CERN Super Collider and Argon National Labs High Energy Photon Source succeeded, phenomenally.  All that remained was to test travel in the presence of multiple singularities and validate the possibility of planned navigation.

Scientists at CERN, Argon, Cambridge, Villigen, Oak Ridge, Fermi Lab, Darmstadt, Beijing, Copenhagen, Johannesburg, New Chernobyl, New Delhi, and Teheran were to simultaneously create the micro singularities and mass was to be transported to each of the locales in sequence.

Unfortunately, the proximity of the singularities created a resonant feedback loop that made the reactions self-powering and incapable of being shut down.  Then the unimaginable happened, thirteen gates to an alternate dimension opened at each of the sites.  This was for evermore known as The Crossing.

Creatures and materials from the alternate dimension spewed forth into our world running amok and altering it forever.  What could only be described as creatures of the void slayed humans by the millions.  They burned forests and towns and threatened the entire human race.

The Iranians were the first to take action and detonated a thermonuclear device in the center of their cyclotron.  The inrush of energy overloaded the singularity and sealed the gate.  The explosion destroyed much of Tehran and set into motion that which nearly ended the world.

The North Korean’s assumed the detonation was the work of the Israeli’s and launched missiles at Jerusalem.  The US in accordance with its treaties launched SLBMs at North Korea which resulted in China launching.  In the confusion that ensued, The US, UK, China, Russia, Ukraine, France, Pakistan, Israel, India, South Africa, and North Korea all used numerous nuclear weapons before things got sorted out.

The combination of radioactivity, creatures from alternate dimensions, and the energy from the singularities scattered a previously unknown element around the globe; Higgsonium.

Higgsonium is a magical element that simultaneously exists in 13 different dimensions.  It is the source of magical power in the new world.  It is a highly coveted resource in this world and every other world.  Higgsonium also has a mutating effect on cellular matter from this world.  Over time. Higgsonium induced mutations brought new creatures into this world that fight for survival every day of their existence.

That was over 1000 years ago.  Time has given the earth a chance to stabilize and establish a new norm.  Those that survived have created the seeds of a new civilization. It is 2158 by the old calendars.  Year 8 by London Reckoning (LR).

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Chicken Noodle Soup

Sketch premises involving Chicken Noodle Soup

  • A man in sick on the couch with the Manflu. His wife is pampering him regardless of how silly he is acting over a common flu. Eventually she serves him a bowl of chicken noodle soup that she has prepared from scratch. Unfortunately there are a lot of substitutions made because they were out of a lot of things. e.g. the chicken is cat food, the noodles and strips of potato, the broth is 7-Up.
  • A work break room has a refrigerator. There are a couple workers present that are trying to identify the contents of a Tupperware container. Their analysis keeps getting more and more obscure. Eventually a third worker enters and asks what the hell are you guys doing with my chicken noodle soup.
  • There is a Wine Cellar like facility for selecting vintage chicken noodle soups. A soup sommelier is present that describes the details of the soup. It drills down to the level that the lineage and specific chicken that is slaughtered to go into that batch of soup.
  • A single guy is trying to prepare a meal for his girlfriend. He only has a can of chicken noodle soup in the cupboard. He does not have a can opener. This will be mostly a silent sketch where there is a struggle to complete the impossible task of opening the can without the can opener.
  • A lab scene. There are a couple of scientists arguing over temperatures, volumes, time, and other very specific variables. They are making soup for their lunch. the sketch ends with them stating they only have 10 minutes left to eat their chicken noodle soup before they have to get back to work.
  • A couple of chickens are arguing over which one of them would make a better chicken noodle soup. Some kind of cannibalism joke could go in here.
  • Two cops are on a stake-out. They are debating something inane while drinking chicken noodle soup and hot coffee. The soup might not really have anything to do with the sketch, but the consumption of it inspired the premise.
  • Chicken soup is known a Jewish Penicillin. Could a pharmacy exist where there are other cultural cures. e.g. Italian Viagra, Spanish Anti-Inflamitory, Irish Hangover Cure, etc…
  • Guy comes into a restaurant and wants to order something that he had at a restaurant on vacation but can’t remember what it was called. He keeps finding ways to describe chicken soup, but when the server says that’s chicken soup, he insists that it isn’t.
  • Grandmother is teaching a child to make chicken soup. As each ingredient is added, there is a story that is wildly tangental and highly inappropriate for the child.
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Damn Beavers

Good morning!

I said good morning!

Much better. Welcome to the Introduction to Northern Michigan’s Aquatic Mammals. I’m Ranger Steve and I’ll be leading you through this marvelous journey today. First a few rules. No matter how cute, cuddly, and friendly the wildlife may appear, we are not to pet or touch them in anyway. That’s their protection as much as yours. To be honest, as a duly licensed and recognized forest ranger, it’s for their protection. If you want someone to care about your safety find a police officer. I’m trained to protect the wildlife.

The next rule is do not feed the wildlife. It’s alright that you may have brought your granola bars, fruit by the foot, and go-gurt. But that’s human food and only disrupts the delicate diets of our woodland friends. To be honest, that isn’t really very good for you humans either. You’re just buying into the marketing hype.

That done, let’s walk down this way and you’ll see a genuine beaver dam. Beavers will cut down trees and stack them to flood a stream and make a calm shallow pond. A common misconception is that beavers live in the dams. The reality is they live in lodges. Though I must admit that I think they just sort of spend the day in the lodges. I think that the North American Beaver is much more sophisticated than we give them credit for. They spend their days in the lodges and at night, (whispering) they sneak into the unoccupied cabins and hotel rooms here in the park and live the life of luxury.

What’s that? You scoff at the accommodations of our national park? Well let me begin by pointing out that this is a National Park. Not skyscraper on Sax Fifth Avenue. You’re lucky the accommodations aren’t a canvas tarp and a bed of pine needles. I can’t believe that you have the audacity to criticize the luxurious accommodations that Ranger Pete, Ranger Mary, and myself provide for you here. Our wilderness retreat lodge (note the word lodge in that naming convention) is recognized in travel journals world wide. But I digress. Forgive me, I’ve let my pride get in the way of my educational duties. (big sigh.)

Regardless of they young lady’s opinion of our accommodations, I’d like to point out that she didn’t laugh, scoff, or guffaw at the notion that the beavers spend their nights in the unoccupied rooms. She knows. Yes deep in that urbanized brain of hers; rooted in the DNA of her more primitive ancestors, she knows that the North American Beaver is a creature of comfort. It longs and pines for spending its nights in a memory foam bed. A down comforter wrapped about it’s flat tail to keep it warm. (aside) It’s a little known fact that beavers lose 80% of their body heat through their tails. (end aside). They brush their teeth with the designer tooth paste each of our rooms is stocked with every morning.

Why do we permit them? I’m not certain I follow.

Oh! Why do we allow them to stay in the rooms. Well first off none of you citified humans are there, so we might as well allow it. Secondly, you know the raw wood, knotty pine beds and furniture that sells for hundreds of dollars at the local flea and antique markets? Those aren’t crafted by little children in a Chinese sweat shop. Heavens no. The beavers make them while enjoying our otherwise unoccupied suites. If we didn’t sell them not only would the rooms have so much furniture you couldn’t move around, we’d have to triple our nightly rates. Your low nightly lodging (there’s that word again) rate is subsidized by the North American Beaver’s love to hand craft, nay, mouth craft, quality and ascetic rustic knotty pine furniture.

Good heavens. Look it there. If you will all look off to your left, you will see a red tailed hawk feasting on a rabbit that it has marinated in wild onion and prairie sage reduction. It is the master chef of our wilderness preserve.

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New Fangled Forms of Diving

Character Quirks

  1. Pops Tongue at End of Points
  2. Continually Looking Over Shoulder
  3. Creepy Winks
  4. Points Fingers Like a Gun to Make a Point
  5. Says “Huh” at the End of Most Sentences
  6. Uncomfortably Holds Eye Contact
  7. Never Uses Contractions
  8. Noisily Chews Gum
  9. Mixes Metaphors
  10. Lots of Use of the Word Literally

Unusual Locations

  1. The top of a High Dive Platform
  2. The Bridge of a Warship
  3. A Sewer
  4. A Power-line Truck Basket
  5. A Cave
  6. A Morgue
  7. The Vatican Record Room
  8. Break Room at Cedar Point
  9. A Church Choir Loft
  10. An Observatory

So there are these two guys atop a dive platform. Vince, the guy at the edge stands there noisily chewing his gum. Wordlessly staring into the pool several meters below. The other guy is his coach, Lou. Lou is an older man. He practices a lot of tough love.

So Vince, are you ready to do it? Ready to win the gold? I can’t do it for you. The only thing that scores points is you jumping off this platform; twisting and flipping a few times before you hit the water, and then slipping into the water without making any ripples.

Without making any ripples Lou? That’s kind of like the story of my life. Don’t make any ripples in school. Don’t make any ripples at work. Don’t make any ripples in the water. Why Lou? Why? I want to make ripples. I want to the the king of ripples. I’m gonna show those judges that it’s out with the old and in with the new. No flips, no twisting, no smooth entry. I’m gonna just jump right off this mother fucking platform and yell cannonball! as loud as I can and make as big of a splash as I can.

You sure Vince? That’s a gutsy move. These judges are all old fuddy duddies. They’ll never give you over an 8 for that kind of dive. Even if it’s a perfect cannonball. Remember when Pat Latoya did a belly flop 4 years ago as a statement? They only gave him a 6.

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