- Pops Tongue at End of Points
- Continually Looking Over Shoulder
- Creepy Winks
- Points Fingers Like a Gun to Make a Point
- Says “Huh” at the End of Most Sentences
- Uncomfortably Holds Eye Contact
- Never Uses Contractions
- Noisily Chews Gum
- Mixes Metaphors
- Lots of Use of the Word Literally
- The top of a High Dive Platform
- The Bridge of a Warship
- A Sewer
- A Power-line Truck Basket
- A Cave
- A Morgue
- The Vatican Record Room
- Break Room at Cedar Point
- A Church Choir Loft
- An Observatory
So there are these two guys atop a dive platform. Vince, the guy at the edge stands there noisily chewing his gum. Wordlessly staring into the pool several meters below. The other guy is his coach, Lou. Lou is an older man. He practices a lot of tough love.
So Vince, are you ready to do it? Ready to win the gold? I can’t do it for you. The only thing that scores points is you jumping off this platform; twisting and flipping a few times before you hit the water, and then slipping into the water without making any ripples.
Without making any ripples Lou? That’s kind of like the story of my life. Don’t make any ripples in school. Don’t make any ripples at work. Don’t make any ripples in the water. Why Lou? Why? I want to make ripples. I want to the the king of ripples. I’m gonna show those judges that it’s out with the old and in with the new. No flips, no twisting, no smooth entry. I’m gonna just jump right off this mother fucking platform and yell cannonball! as loud as I can and make as big of a splash as I can.
You sure Vince? That’s a gutsy move. These judges are all old fuddy duddies. They’ll never give you over an 8 for that kind of dive. Even if it’s a perfect cannonball. Remember when Pat Latoya did a belly flop 4 years ago as a statement? They only gave him a 6.