I’d like to modernize the seven dwarves. Not the story about a Disney princess that lives with seven dwarves, but the names and characteristics of the seven dwarves. As this is one of my typical free writing exercises, I think I’ll start by trying to actually name the seven dwarves from the story.
There’s Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Doc, Grumpy, Sleepy. and one that escapes me at the moment. I’ll think of it by the time I finish writing this…I hope. As long as I’ve stalled here, I should also address the plurality of the word dwarf. Technically, it’s dwarfs. The spelling d-w-a-r-v-e-s didn’t come into existence until J.R.R. Tolkien wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Why do I know this and not the name of the 7th dwarf? That’s kind of my job, to know things, but not really useful things.
I’m pretty sure that the 7th dwarf isn’t Grouchy, but if he was he’d be green, furry, and live in a trash can. I’m also pretty sure that he isn’t smarty, brainy, or erudite. If he was any one of those three he might have had them all investing in a nice Roth IRA so that they didn’t have to toil around in a mine all day at their advanced age.
Seriously, did you ever notice how old all of the dwarves (Thank you Mr. Tolkien) looked. They were old enough that you knew nothing naughty was going on with Snow White. The movie came out in like the 1940’s. Viagra hadn’t been invented yet. That also makes me realize that the 7th dwarf wasn’t Sexy, Kinky, or named after Walt Disney’s pet or the street where he grew up.
Boozy would have been a fun 7th dwarf in the 1940’s. I realize that it isn’t right, but we were a couple of decades out of prohibition and it was still common practice to laugh at addictions. Boozy the dwarf could have carried around a jug full of moonshine. The jug would have had three big ‘X’s’ on the side of it. I wonder when XXX stopped standing for ‘The contents of this container will intoxicate you. Do not operate heavy machinery or drive a vehicle while consuming it.’ and started standing for ‘The contents of this film will arouse and titillate you. Please put your hands together for Sexy, Kinky, and Pluto Main.’
Well my allowed time to vomit my stream of consciousness onto the page has passed and I still haven’t remembered the name of the 7th dwarf. I feel a little incomplete. Do I stop writing and google the result? Do I just randomly proclaim that the 7th dwarf is Beefy the dwarf? Beefy the dwarf could be a great addition to the commune that they had going on. Beefy could have been the strong one, or he could have been a great cook. A charcuterie in particular. Really good with knives and preparing cuts of meat. Or maybe he was just really cut and exercised a lot. If he took his shirt off he could hang with Sexy, Kinky, and Pluto Main.
After thoughts: Just for the sake of thoroughness, I googled the 7th dwarf and it was Sneezy. Apparently we also made fun of people for allergies or illnesses in the 1940’s. Furthermore, I have no idea if Walt Disney’s pet was named Pluto or if the street where he grew up was Main Street. But it worked for this exercise.